Wednesday, January 13, 2021

My Reflections on the Whitehouse Siege

One week ago, the United States capitol was breached by a violent mob of white supremacists, Qanon conspiracy followers, and Trump supporters. Doors were broken, windows smashed, walls scaled, offices broken into. Information was stolen, nooses were brandished, and 5 people died during the course of the siege. I needn’t go on, I’m sure you’ve read the news. And it’s not the news that compels me to write today. I write today to reflect on how I’ve reacted to the historic events of last Wednesday and how my reactions have everything to do with whiteness. 


When the news first came through, I listened with a heavy heart, alarmed, but not surprised. Trump’s inflammatory rhetoric had only been building since the election ended and I knew the historic election of Reverend Raphael Warnock in Georgia would surely stoke the flames of resentment further. In my white body, far removed from Washington, secure in my apartment in Essex, Vermont, secure in my white body, I felt myself closing, hardening. I knew that the takeover in the capitol was a reflection of myself, but I did not want to see that. 


I stayed off Facebook, avoiding the onslaught of incommensurable viewpoints, futile debates and righteous expressions of fear, pain and anger I knew would be swirling around my feed. I usually avoid Facebook anyway aside from posting petitions here and there and communicating directly with people, but this time, I knew my avoidance was grounded in denial. Denial of how I’m implicated in the takeover, denial of my whiteness, my privilege, my connections. Not that Facebook is the place for engaging in courageous conversations to expose those lies and create real change, but rather that I knew Facebook was a place where I could clearly see the need for me to step up, to reach out, to leverage my connections and create space. 


Instead, I focused on work and being busy. I wanted to produce and be of service because moments like these make me feel unworthy of my role as a social justice consultant. How can I deserve such a position when I am so far removed from the physical violence of white supremacy? Though I’ve been to many protests, I’ve never had to put my life on the line for the values I believe in. My research on racism and my work as an educator have never put me in physical danger. I am cocooned in a protective shield made up of social privilege and the segregation of violence so deeply ingrained in the modern world. 


As a white person, I have been socialized to believe that the actions of violent extremists have nothing to do with me as a progressive, anti-racist white person, but the truth is, the siege on the capitol has everything to do with people like me. All white people are implicated in the attack. When we denounce the actions of a violent mob without opening our hearts to white people in our lives who are caught in even deeper denial about racism, we strengthen the division, denial, exploitation, and abuse that allowed the attack to happen. Preaching to the choir won’t change the tune of the nation. The United States has always been a country of palpable contradictions and incommensurability - the land of the free built on stolen land and slave labor. Those contradictions came to a crescendo last Wednesday; blocking out the deafening clamor reduces my capacity to meaningfully respond. 


The part of me that hardens off and closes down in the face of blatant white terrorism and the paltry response of our country’s law enforcement is the same one that believes I am unworthy of my work and that I am only useful so far as I can be productive. It’s a binary belief - I’m either good or bad, anti-racist or racist, an aspiring accomplice, or a hopeless perpetrator forever trapped in the lie of my intentions. Yet, binaries are not the full truth. I am all of those things. I have caused harm and made mistakes in my work as a social justice consultant, in my research about racism, and in my daily life. I am imperfect, ever learning, never an expert. 


Striving to be perfect, to always say the right thing, to work the hardest and sacrifice the most, to be at the right place and the right time to prove myself as an ally are self-serving and self-destructive patterns. Guilt and shame will not facilitate the transformative change required to upend systemic racism in the United States. I am blessed to have many experiences that have given me a deep understanding of how intertwined my liberation is with the liberation of Black, indigenous and people of color in this country and around the world. My responsibility to act on that gift is brought to the fore in the aftermath of the siege in Washington. As a white person, my most vital work at this moment is to make time and space for connecting with the white people in my life whose views about racism are the farthest from my own. 


That work won’t be public or popular and it certainly won’t be perfect. I will inevitably make mistakes and I may have nothing to show for my efforts in the end. And yet, it is my responsibility, for my identity as a white person gives me access to white spaces that are dangerous for Black, indigenous and other people of color to enter. I do not have all the answers and I need to stay accountable to following the leadership of Black, Indigenous and people of color in my anti-racist work, but I also need to take responsibility for myself. When I peel back my resistance around engaging more deeply in addressing the siege, I find underneath tenderness, rawness, vulnerability. Seeing myself reflected in the violent attacks and self-righteous responses to it is unnerving, and it is also an invitation to soften the hard edges whiteness has built in me. 


White supremacy is built on lies and fear. The specific lies have changed over the years, but fear is an ever-present component of racism. Fear of other, fear of change, fear of self. Racism and white supremacy stoke the egos of white people, inflate our credibility, and make us believe that we deserve to have more resources and power than Black, indigenous and other people of color. Yet even as racism builds systems of physical safety and material wealth around us, racism ultimately makes white people cruel, empty, delusional shells of our full potential as humans. Dismantling racism is the only way white people can reclaim our humanity and in that endeavor, I believe love, truth and vulnerability will prove to be far better tools than guilt, shame and self-righteous indignation.


Monday, December 18, 2017

Water Wanderings!

It's been a long time! It's wild to think that time has flown so quickly, and I will be graduating from UVM in May. Much has changed since I began this blog in preparation for fundraising for Kroka, and yet, some things are circling back around. Indeed, I will be running the Burlington Marathon a week after I graduate with my dear friend Lucy, who inspired me to run my first marathon all those years ago when I was recovering from my Traumatic Brain Injury. I am looking forward to the long runs and a regular exercise regime, but I am equally excited for my classes!

I will be taking two graduate courses with the Masters in Sustainability Leadership program, Diversity, Power and Privilege in Catalyzing Change and Ecological Leadership Seminar, in addition to Environmental Problem Solving and Impact Assessment, Birding for Change, Winter Wildlife Tracking and finishing my thesis, which is about assessing the racial climate in the Rubenstein School for Environment and Natural Resources (RSENR). This fall, I organized six focus groups about the racial climate in the Rubenstein School, and I will be coding the transcripts over break. RSENR is investing in a diversity assessment this year, lead by Shadiin Garcia, whose brilliance and expertise have been a total blessing and inspiration for me as I focus in on one aspect of diversity, equity and inclusion: race and racism.

The timing for this project couldn't have been better; RSENR has been working towards getting an equity assessment for ten years, and their hallmark diversity class - Race, Culture and Natural Resources - is under review and revision. I am very grateful for all the people who have helped to make this project a reality, especially my friends Kunal, Haydee, Miguel and Kirsti, who facilitated the focus groups with me this fall, and my advisors Rachelle, Zach and TwoTrees. I probably won't have time to blog about the writing process, but I will be sure to post a link to the completed thesis when it is published on the library website. If you're really interested, I can send you the proposal.

In the meantime, check out the website I just made for Water Wanderings, a summer camp I started with my mom last summer! I am thrilled that Adam Stewart will be joining this summer's programs. Please spread the word and invite young folks ages 9-12 that you think might be interested.






Thursday, August 25, 2016

Summer Reflections

When people ask how my summer was, I stammer and inevitably turn my eyes skyward as I search for words to describe an experience that has enriched my life in more ways than I can count, let alone express in a single word. Spectacular, amazing, awesome...these words are but a shadow of the truth, for working as an Assistant Instructor for the Ecological Leadership Program in Kyrgyzstan this summer was not just exciting and enjoyable, but also intensely challenging. From learning Kyrgyz, to writing and formatting student handbooks, to navigating divergent opinions and approaches among instructors, the ELP forced me to stretch to the very edges of my ability and learn quickly. I have grown as a leader, researcher, student and global citizen, and the skills I have developed will be invaluable resources that I can draw upon for the rest of my life.
There are many tasks that I am more comfortable performing having completed the project, such as writing lesson plans, facilitating focus groups, and organizing gear distribution. I received the majority of our funding through academic grants and secured sponsorships from companies that supported the ELP through equipment donations. During the program, I organized and sorted these donations, planned and organized program food, and supervised gear cleaning and turn in. These responsibilities taught me widely applicable skills in gear, food and money management. However, my position taught me much more than logistics.  
Working with Nathan and Patrick to ensure that the students were safe, happy, and engaged throughout the ELP gave me practice working through conflicting views and approaches while balancing competing responsibilities. I received valuable feedback about my lack of situational awareness that has already impacted my approach to leadership and increased my self awareness. Furthermore, working with Kyrgyz students strengthened my cultural competence and anthropological research skills. I was responsible for planning and executing research on gender dynamics; the focus groups, interviews and countless conversations I had with the students and instructors about gender dynamics and Kyrgyz culture radically challenged my worldview and helped me to understand my own cultural context in a way that the social justice trainings I have participated in at UVM never could have.
In short, I return from Kyrgyzstan humbled, inspired and eager to continue to engage in work that challenges my every fibre. Looking back on my grant applications and internship contract, I was surprised to realize we met most of our objectives. In the moment, the project often felt chaotic. Almost half of our students dropped out, and we ran the program on an extremely tight budget. Partnerships with the Ala Archa National Park never developed and longevity of the project in its current form is unlikely. Nevertheless, the students’ presentation during the closing ceremony dispelled any doubt that every dollar, microspike and word of encouragement contributed to the ELP was well utilized. Each of the students came away with many skills, momentous realizations and memories that they will probably have for the rest of their life. The immense gratification of playing some part in supporting their journey is an honor I have yet to find the words to express.
In particular I would like to thank the Office of Undergraduate Research at UVM for granting me the Carl Reidel Summer Research Scholarship, the Rubenstein School for the Kate Svitek Award, SGA's Professional Development Fund, Kroka Expeditions for donating tents and backpacks, Kahtoola for donating microspikes, Nalgene for donating water bottles and eating containers, Black Diamond for donating gloves and headlamps, Diva Cup for donating Diva Cups, the American Alpine Club, Jayne, Nancy, Julie, Suzanne, Gordyn, Carolyn, John, Bill and Nancy, Christopher, Dulce, and many others who contributed to the ELP through monetary donations, and words of encouragement or advice. The project would never have been possible without your support.
Follow this link to read an article published on the American University of Central Asia's website about the ELP!